| (no subject) |
[Dec. 5th, 2006|02:23 pm] |
I only have a few days left with Stacie. I want them to be so special and I want to spend every second possible with her because I am not sure when I will be able to again. Unfortuntly she dosent seem to feel the same way. She wants to make out with some 17 year old muscualer skater kid. Well..she dosent want to so that she dosent hurt my feelings. She keeps saying that she said no but did it anyway...I know she wanted to (in my bed no less) but it was nice of her to attempt to think about my feelings.
The way I saw it is that she is moving away and this kind of thing will happen a lot. She will meet new boys and girls daily and want to make out with them. She will be single and free to do as she wishes...as will I. I just wish she could have waited a few more days. "The body isn't even cold yet" and shes got a new kid to mess around with.
These last few days are about us...I wish we could just be happy and love only eachother.
..............................................................................
I am scared
I am scared to be alone
I am scared to be away from stacie
I am scared of what she will do on her own (with people....sexually)
I am scared we will lose touch
I am scared she will realize that I suck
I am scared she will be unhappy
I am scared she will get hurt
I am scared that I will be unhappy as well...for a long time
I am scared to become a loaner
I am scared to get fat
I am scared she wont be treated right
I am scared she will make bad judgement calls
I am scared to become addicted to drugs, alcohol or porn
I am scared that she will stop loving me
...........................................................................
I am happy that stacie is doing what she wants to do
I am happy I will be able to date girls more freely
I am happy to not have to worry about what she thinks
I am happy that this time apart may bring us closer together
I am happy that she says she loves me
stacie is my rock...she is my inner voice. Without the need for her approval I don't know what kind of person I will become. If I know...in the end we will be together then I will work to make myself inot a better man for her. Although she gives me a glimps of hope...I don't believe her eyes. I believe this is the end. The phonecalls and Im's will dissipate and I will be nothing but an x boyfriend. I'll get a random happy birthday or merry xmas...or maybe the very infrequent "this made me think of you".
I don't want this to be the end...though it feels like it is. I feel this is just a nice way of dumping me. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 22nd, 2006|01:37 am] |
December 5th is the day that I lose a part of me...I don't know what to do or say to her...I can't believe it is going to happen...I honestly never thought it would...
I am scared
I hope ... |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 21st, 2006|03:52 pm] |
I have been pretty boring lately. I went to the movies last night and saw "Stranger than Fiction" with stacie and keenan. It was ok...kinda sappy. These kind of movies piss me off. Weird guy asks out hot girl. She invites him in on the first date. HE plays guitar for her and they end up in bed. grrrr...it would be nice if movies were a little more realistic.
The day Stacie leaves is getting closer and closer. I am very sad to be losing my best friend. I feel like I am losing a piece of myself. Once she leaves I will have little stability in my life...
I think once she leaves I will just get in my car and drive west...try to figure out what I want to do with my life. All I know is that I can't stay here much longer...I need some new friends. A new life. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 4th, 2006|03:35 am] |
I don't want to fight anymore
I want us to be happy
I want to try really hard to be a good friend
I dont want to put her down
I don't want to make her sad
I want things to work out
I am sorry |
|
|
| Today I feel like a looser |
[Oct. 27th, 2006|10:05 pm] |
Generally...the past few days have been good...if not great. I got to work on the set of a commercial and be an extra as well. I have lots of stories to tell, but not in this entry. I will save that for when I am in a better mood.
Today at work it was pretty slow for a friday so there was a lot of interaction between everyone. The New girl sara has a thing for dennis...this we all knew. Dennis is debating weather he should act on this. He dosent want to be her boyfriend...he just wants to fuck her. I think this is wrong, but Stacie says do what feels right...what makes you feel good. I guess this would make them both feel good...I guess I just can't do that. So sara wanted to know if dennis knew that she likes him (got that?). I said it was obvious but I wouldn't say anything more. By the end of the night she had bugged the shit out of me trying to figure out what I was hiding (the fact that Dennis was debating weather to screw her)She said she was going to his house tomorrow to "party" and I said "be careful". She took this is a warning that he might rape her...which was totally not what I was saying. Just the fact I know guys and I know Dennis and he will most likely make a move on her. Then she thought I was saying she was a whore...this was not the case either even though the thought had crossed my mind seeing as she has a boyfriend and all. Then I told her to look me straight in the eye and tell me she didn't want to have sex with Dennis and she couldn't do it...So this fucking drama went on all night. I felt like I was back in fucking high school. Finally I just stopped talking to her. Then she felt bad but said things like "oh hes just jelous"...Pete understood my actions which was nice so he spoke for me. Sure I am jelous that a girl has a thing for dennis. Another girl from work. There aren't very many to choose from...why does he always get the fucking girls...what does he have that I don't? Why is it that the girl that shows the most interest is off limits?
So there is another girl at work that flirts with me a lot. She has a boyfriend too, but she says things like "hey lover" she I get to work. She came in with her BF today and I was like "oh you brought my compitition" and she said "don't worry there is no compitition"...am I just the dork that cute girls like to make think they actually like them???
At the end of the night I was invited to a party at Niomi's...I thought it might be nice to hang out more casually with co-workers, but they were just planning on getting all wasted...and I am apparently a party pooper for not doing that...
Now I am home wallowing in my own self pitty. I acted like an ass once again last night. Why do I do that? I made stacie upset...which made me upset...I just feel like a looser. Someone that no one wants to be around. Someone that dosent know how to have fun. Someone that dosent attract girls.
I just want to leave..run away, alone where no one will bother me. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 8th, 2006|07:55 pm] |
Oh Boy
After Working 53 hours in 7 straight days I have two days off. I feel like shit, but I am glad to be able to rest for a few days. Work sucks...people arent very interesting. The one person I enjoying talking to is 15. She dosent work very often so I started talking to her online today. It was awkward to say the least. She has this huge crush on me and knows that I have a little thing for her but won't act on it because its....well... illegal. Getting to know someone new is nice, but she wants to hang out and do things together and I have a feeling that would just be bad news. She told me that she wants to think of a way to do something so I can't resist her. I told her that I just want to be her friend, but she dosent seem to get it. So I am going to try a little longer and see if she will just realize otherwise I will just stop talking to her.
I hung out with the guys last night...it was ok at first, but got pretty boring when people started snorting pills and getting wasted. Dennis was giving me shit about not partying since I have the day off...I don't party...I can't even get in that mindset anymore. I am not sure if that makes me boring or what, but I feel like I should get wasted just to "try" and have fun. I told dennis that I couldn't believe that he works to much...if makes me miserable. If I had to do this for longer than a few months I would not be a happy camper. Luckily I have someone to come home to otherwise, as dennis said, you get drunk every night to deal with work...I am scared for stacie to leave because I am afraid that I could fall into that crowd.
Stacie is really supportive when I work...she is very sweet. She was telling me for about a week how she loved me...it was nice. Until she hung out in Burlington and hung out with that guy Hannah introduced her to. She still hasent given me much detail, but when I got home and asked her about her night she got all pissed at me. We ask eachother about our day all the time...I am not sure why she go so defensive, but since then she hasn't said she loves me. Is he back in the picture? Did I do something wrong? Why must she treat me so different when she has a love interest?
I applied for a job in Iowa City...it sounds like a really cool job being a web master and video production specialist for the Iowa city school district. I would really love the job, but I am not sure I want to move to iowa then have stacie leave in a few months then be stuck there all by myself (and with stacies family) for anywhere from 1 to 3 years. Blah stupid stacie and her fucking boyfriends in Japan...why won't she just stay here with me or take me with her????!?!?!?!
blah blah blah
Tomorrow we both get the day off. I plan on making it fun and intersting for both of us. Maybe a road trip to stowe to see the leaves or a river walk in winooski and fruit/picnic...who knows. Maybe I will take her shopping...buy her a dress or something. |
|
|
| friends and lady friends |
[Sep. 27th, 2006|06:45 pm] |
Why is it my friends are so unreliable? I call people, I leave messages and most people don't return my calls and call back too late to do anything.
My friends that are close by are always around so they are easy to find, but they get high and drunk all the time, which bores me.
I am so desperate to make new friends that I gave the 15 year old girl from work my phone number...she hasnt called.
I just want to hang out with people that I can have some fun with without getting wasted.
I had a good time with the guys the other night. We went and saw Buckethead at HG. It was fun...I tried to talk to a girl, but she obviously wasnt interested. She said she had to go and maybe she'd see me at the next buckethead show...
The only person I have been able to hang out with is one that I don't care too much about hanging out with. Steph...the girl who I have known for a long time who tried to seduce me last summer, then I turned her down and she got pregnant by some other dude a few weeks later, she has wanted to hang out with me for a while. SO we went to the movies and saw Little Miss Sunshine (Great film BTW). It was nice talking to her, shes not too interesting though. She seems like one of those 1950's women who just want to please their man and take care of the kids. She has no big goals or opinions...not someone I want to put a whole lot of time into.
Keenan seems like he wants to be around, but he dosent do so well at it. He is getting a car soon so maybe we will hang out mroe and make some films. We wanted to go to the Waterbury flea market and interview people for a short doc.
Stacie is here, but I need more than just her. I need more stimualtion. |
|
|
| sooo |
[Sep. 27th, 2006|06:00 pm] |
I can't recall the last time I posted in my LJ. Since getting back from Iowa it seems that stacie and I spend less and less time together. She has been working a lot. She works during the week and I work on the weekends. That will change slightly next week as I will get two more shifts a week. I will basically work fri,sat,mon and tues. Thats enough for me. It sucks that I have to work weekends because thats usually when stacie is off. So then she ends up with who knows what kind a people. It seems the guy she was interested is not so interested in her. She has made attempts to contact him a few times, but he hasnt at all that I know of. This makes me happy because I don't have to worry about them , but I still do. Stacie dosent care if the guy rarely talks to her. I am sure if they hang out again something will happen. She won't hold back just because they have only hung out once before. Its all about the moment for her. I wish I could be that way, unfortunetly girls can get away with doing it a lot easier.
With no big movements in her outside relationships she is able to focus more on ours. This has been nice. We took a trip to the Adult store to spice things up...so far....so good:)
We were thinking more seriously about an apartment....that lasted for a few days...Now she says that she just wants to make money and go back to iowa in December. What does that mean for me? HMMMMMM....I guess I am going to stay here at my parents house until xmas atleast, then....not too sure.
At first stacie said that she wanted me to go with her back to Iowa. Now she is not too sure. I havent been too sure the whole time. The way I figure it, I could go with her and it would only be temporary. She is planing on going to Japan next september so I would only spend 8 or nine months in Iowa tops. Then I could go wherever I want, without being held down. I think dave wants me to move near him...or for us to live together somewhere. Keenan is also showing interest.
I get pretty sad when stacie talks about going to japan. I want to experience everything with her, but I don't want to follow her. I wish we could get married so that I would be her spouse so that we could go together. I know she wants to go and see all those boy crushes she has over there...I would probably just be in the way.
So...to recap
1) My relationship with stacie is...good...for now
2) My job is at Bridge street cafe and my home is with my parents for at least the next 3 months.
3) I am jelouse of stacies luck with men (and women)
4) I would like to go to Japan but I am not sure how pure my yearning is. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Sep. 11th, 2006|02:34 pm] |
So I think I am in an open relationship...does that make stacie my girlfriend? Yesterday stacie and I got some fruit and went on a nice walk by the sandhill park. It was very nice. At the end of the walk stacie sat me in the shade beneath a tree and we talked for a while. She told me about a few crushes and the fact that she wanted to snuggle/make out with them. She ensured me sex was not an option...I felt I handled it well. I know how she feels and I have interests too. I think we both want to stay with each other, but we want to experience other people as well. So...I think if you had to define our relationship at this time you would call it an "open" relationship. I think that is basically what we had before, but now it is more clear. I feel this really showed me how stacie feels about me and gave me a good idea about how she feels about me.
This could get messy, but I am trying my best to stay cool. I asked only that she be honest with me and honest with whom ever she "makes out" with. I don't want all the details...I don't think the other guy wants the details either. I basically want to know if they do anything sexual and I think they should know that stacie and I have sex and that she cares for me and wants to be with me. I think she needs to let them know they they are mearly dating and "messing around" while stacie and I are in an "open relationship". I know that these lables may mean nothing to most people, but it is important to me that the other guys know that I am #1. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 31st, 2006|12:14 am] |
In high school my drug was weed
It numbed me
In college it was love
It filled me
Now I have none
Reality has hit me full force
Pain
anger
fear
depression
You'd better leave before it spreads
I will miss you when your gone
But it will be better in the end |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 30th, 2006|03:27 pm] |
I want a job
I want an apartment
I want a girlfriend who loves me
I want a new car
I want a dog
Lying in bed last night I began to wonder...
How is it people even get out of bed everyday?
They get up, work their crappy jobs, go home, do crap work around the house, eat, watch tv and go to bed. I am sure other people lives are different to some extent, but for the most part this is the general day of your average american lower and middle class.
In order to have any of the things listed above (other than a loving girlfriend...I hope), you need to have money. And in order to have money you need to work. And its not like you can work twice a week, pay all your bills and have the rest of the week to enjoy yourself.
Say you work 40 hours a week (which is generous because the average American works 50+), but for the sake of this entry we'll say 40. If you make $8 an hour (which is also generous because the national minimin wage is only $5.25). So if you do the math you'd be making about $240 a week or $960 a month (before taxes to thats probably closer to $800 all told.
So think about it...you start with:
$800
- $500 for rent and utilities
- $300 for car payment and insurence
OK so you have no money left for food, clothes, health expences, pets, or fun
Now think of it this way....I am a college grad...supposively I am to get a higher paying job...many of the jobs I have looked at pay around $15 an hour. But I have other expences the non college grad dosent have to worry about.
So lets break it down...
$15 times 40 hours a week = $600 per week or $2400 a month
2400
- $500 for rent and utilities
- $300 for car payment and insurence
- $400 for loans
- $400 for food (100 per week)
Lets see how much money is left...We are left with $800
But realistically...am I going to get a job that pays 15 bucks an hour...doubtfull.
But this isn't the point... The point is that we spend most of our concious hours working, making money so that we have a place to live and a way to get there. By the time we are done working we have no energy to do anything but sink into bed or on the couch...watch tv and eat. Pretty much anything mindless. Why do we put ourselves through this torture? Is it worth it? |
|
|
| Rants and ideas |
[Jul. 25th, 2006|10:53 am] |
Have you ever thought about the complexities of the world we live in? There is so much going on that we are too naive to even think about it. Most believe that if it doesn’t involve them that there is no point in worrying about it…
The media as well as high ranking political figures have convinced many Americans that there are constant threats to breach our safety.
War
Death
Apocalypse
Hegemony
The world could simply end at any moment. Scientists may have a good idea about how the universe works, but anything can happen at any time. We don’t control the stars and the planets or what goes on beyond our atmosphere.
Why do we feel the need to be with one person for the rest of our lives? If you just look at the recent trends you will notice that 50% of marriages end up in divorce. That’s why I say don’t get married at all…and while you’re at it don’t have kids. Why would someone want to devote their life to someone else? Sure, when they turn 18 they are out of your hands so to speak, but that doesn’t keep you from worrying about them. Personally I spend enough time worrying about myself; I don’t need someone else to consume me with problems. Yes, I know. Bringing a life into the world is an amazing thing. The miracle of life is an amazing thing, but now we can have sex for pleasure rather than procreation. I think I would rather have a dog. It’s less work, cheaper, and there is no risk that you may screw the dog up by worrying too much or not worrying enough about it. Our world has enough fucked up people in it and more enter everyday.
Our resources won’t last forever.
The idea that the fittest survive seems to have disappeared. Unless you consider the upper-class to be the fittest…then maybe I am wrong.
Have you ever met a truly happy person? Someone that was truly happy with their life and their accomplishments? Some may claim they are, but you can see it in their eyes and hear it in their voice that they don’t believe themselves. How can someone truly be happy to live the way we are forced to.
In order to be happy we are suppose to be doing what we want; what makes US happy…right? How many people actually have the opportunity to do this? How many people get their dream job right out of college and love every minuet of it? Sure, I know, you have to have bad parts of your day to make the good ones seem better…otherwise everything would be vanilla, right? Well what happens when the bad moments in your day outnumber the good moments?
A large number of people are forced to work jobs they hate, 40 hours a week, five days a week. Sometimes more. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 16th, 2006|12:22 am] |
I have a disease
But I don't know what it is yet
I don't know when or how it will come
but it will
It will take over my body like a gust of wind
I won't even know
It may not happen til I am old
but it will |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 15th, 2006|11:43 am] |
The past few weeks...
They have consisted of me working 3 days a week...yea thats it...it blows, but in a month I make about $1000 including tips. Thats pretty damn good for working 3 days a week!
Work is ok...not very exciting.
I often try to think of nice things to do for or with stacie...she says that I am romantic...I don't really see it that way. She is just someone I care about that I want to make happy. So I pick strawberries for her, make cheese cakes, take her to get dinner and then eat it on the riverside. I like to do it.
With two weeks to go with stacies job I begin to wonder more and more about what she will do when shes done...She has talked a little about going to Iowa, but she dosent seem to want to stay there...but where will she go? She dosent have enough money to live on her own yet. She asked me to go to Iowa with her...I think...she said that we could live at HER parents house for free for a while since she has lived here for so long. I have thought about it, but I don't really want to live with her family. I mean they are nice, but also intrusive...I donno
I still tell her I love her even though she says she dosent feel that way about me anymore. She says she likes me a lot but not in that way...thats ok...I am not sure I would like me that way either...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I drive stacie to and from work whenever I can. There have been a few times when I have been at work so my mom or brother or one of stacie co-workers gave her a ride. For the most part I don't mind.
Stacie introduced me to one of her co-workers (her "teacher"). While introducing me she mentioned that I am so nice to drive about an hour everyday to bring her to and from work. Honestly I hadn't really thought about it that way, but it dosent seem to bad.
SO far no luck with jobs. I found out that that someone I went to highschool with that currently works for wcax applied for the same job I did. I assume that he will get the job over me...if not someone else. A friend told me that the Richmond public access was looking for someone to film town meetings and events...I might do that and work at bridge street for a little while...if I stay here... |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 2nd, 2006|04:01 pm] |
Stacie and I had quite the "Date Night" a few days ago...stacie wrote about it...and I think she hit the nail on the head>>>>>
(From Stacie's LJ)
Eric and I found that we were over an hour early for our movie. (Good planning on our part--eh?) So, we drove around enjoying a fabulous sunset. Then we walked around parking lots watching the last of the pink drip from the sky. We ducked inside Hannahfords where we wrapped our arms around eachother and stumbled down the non-refriderated aisles again and again. (The other ones were too cold.) We figured that people would think that we were either drunk or on drugs due to the stumbling and giggling. After enough of that, we raced to the car. Don't believe Eric--I won. (Technically.) Inside the car we turned on the Cinderella song ("One Headlight") and rocked out. Then we "mmmmMMMmmm"ed with Gwen Stefani to her "Underneath It All" song. Eric reclined on a pillow--while my feet "ran" and "danced" on the car ceiling.
And then, it was time to go. I was surprised that so much time had passed. So we went to redeeme our free movie passes to see "Click." It was good. It made us both laugh and cry. We got home just before midnight.
As if this day isn't already fabulous, we started with dinner at the Outback and had delicious food and a delicious coconut strawberry drink and a fabulous desert.
It was like dating again. It was definately the highlight of my week. I'd say the highlight of the past two months to be honest.
__________________________________________________________________
It was an amazing night...I felt so close to her.
Now I am enjoying a few days off while stacie starts her japanese job...it will be grand :) |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 25th, 2006|04:29 pm] |
It has been a while since I last wrote…lots of crazyness has been going on over the past few weeks. Starting as far back as I can remember….
Dave came out from Colorado…his friends from school came with them. They stopped in Mississippi to do some volunteer work for Katrina relief (sooo cool,wish I could have gone) then in DC then boston then they came here. His friends didn’t stay long…I actually only got to hand out with them once and it was at Brian and Jason’s house. Boy was that strange. I showed up there and saw a bunch of people I haven’t seen them in a long time. It was nice though. Everyone was curious about what I had been doing and what my plans were. We hung out and talked, everyone drank…Speaking of drinking, the next night was Jason’s Bday and everyone was going out to the bars downtown so we all went out…I brought Dennis along too…over all it was a good time… I was the DD so I thought it might be annoying to be around all the drunk people, but it wasn’t bad at all. Dave and Dennis got pretty hammered. We started at Nectars…there was a reggae band playing…it was pretty cramped, but not too loud. After that we went to What Ales You because Will is a bouncer there and we thought we’d go see him. When we got there he introduced us to a few girls who we ended up talking to for most of the night. One of them was Will’s “girlfriend” so she was off limits. Too bad for the other girl that was sitting with us, that poor thing, Dennis and Dave were hitting on her all night. Nothing bad…just trying to carry conversation. Then they got into some stupid fight about soccer and were talking very loud to each other while I was in-between them. Trying to be clever and witty I say “would you two like to be alone? Here, I’ll let you move in”. Then I started trying to talk to the girls, but I have no idea what to say to them. I mean they seemed nice enough, but eh I donno. In the end I just felt like everything I said sounded gay and that they probably thought I was gay….
Anyway, so we talk at the bar til it closes at 2 am. Dennis has his mind made up that he is going to bang this chick…So he asks them what they are up to now? I assumed they were going to bed. One of them says she wants to take a shower….blah blah blah…Will says he will call us when he get out of work at 3 am. SOOOOOO we walk back to the car and decide to go back to Brian and Jason’s to wait. But on the way we have to make a few pit stops. Dennis decides he has to piss really bad so he goes down an alley. While pissing Dave and I are talking and he randomly says….”man I need to jerk off I haven’t done it in weeks”…It was so random and I could not help but laugh. Anyway, dennis comes back and somehow got his knee all wet (from kneeling while pissing assume?) As we get to the car dave decides he has to piss. He wips it out right in the parking garage and a car pulls right up and ruins his “flow” as I recall him saying…oh boy…lol.
The last highlight of the night was when Dave got out of my car by climbing over the seats. For some reason he thought I had a two door…hahahahaha…it was pretty amusing to watch him.
Another interesting note…While at Brian and Jason’s Dennis was the only one smoking weed…interesting, everyone else has grown out of it.
WORK
Work has been good… Keeps me busy. I get to see Pete and/or Dennis a lot more which is nice. I don’t really enjoy the job that much. I mean the pay is good…I get to work with my friends and Stacie, but it’s a lot of crappy work.
Its interesting that my friends now get to meet Stacie and spend more time to get to know her. I feel like they were given the wrong idea about her. In the beginning I wasn’t too into her beliefs and ideals. So when I talked to my friends about her it might have been less about how great she was and more about how she bugged me about drugs and what not. I feel bad, but I think that she is growing on my friends. Dennis told me I should “put a ring on that finger”. Dave and her seemed to have some interesting conversations. He hasn’t mentioned anything but I think he probably likes her more now that he as met her.
Dennis
Its been weird hanging out with Dennis again. Its kinda nice, but it kind of reminds me of how I use to be and I don’t like that person. His fiancé left him. I guess it was pretty sudden…she was cheating on him as far as I can understand, but who knows if he would actually tell me if he did something wrong.
So I applied for another job at WCAX. This one was for TV photographer and editor. It sounds like a great place to start working on my documentary camera work. I talked to my uncle this time and he said he was going to call and put in a good word for me. He use to work there and he said that the guy that would probable be interviewing me was a good friend of his. I think it is very likely that I will get the job. I am already nervous about the possible interview and first day of work (that may or may not happen) haha…thanks mom for turning me into a paranoid freak!!!!
………………………………….
Angela coming home this weekend. I am excited. She’s great. Always there for me. Too bad she’s taken…haha. She wants to go to the dog park with Danielle and Matt. I thought it was cool they wanted to go there and not the bar. Bars aren’t the best place to talk. I haven’t talked to Matt for a while. He emailed me a few times last summer, but he stopped. I can’t keep pen pals…can’t find a good one. I miss him.
Steph M. Apparently had her baby. She has made no effort to talk to me. I am sure she is busy, I understand.
Steph H. is due to have her baby any day now…I am glad I didn’t tap that.
Hmmmm….what am I missing
I see tons of random people at Bridge street ….old high school friends, teachers, classmates, friends parents…
I am starting to feel old. Everyone that I can only remember being 5 years old is graduating from high school.
If I get the Job at WCAX I may live in Burlington for a while.
Hope I haven’t bored anyone too much |
|
|
| A public apology |
[Jun. 14th, 2006|12:28 am] |
As many of you know I use livejournal to vent my problems that I face in my everyday life. There is often not someone around that could possibly understand what I have gone through so LJ has been quite thereputic in helping me deal with issues I have faced. These entries are not ment to get sympathy or even advice from others. LJ is mearly a non-judgemental and non-partison friend that I can go to when I have problems.
In order to make sure that my, sometimes out of line, rants do not hurt those involved I will be making the majority of my entries private. I want those who read my LJ to realize that just because I write mainly negative things in my journal it doesn't mean that I dislike those involved or that they are bad people. It just means that at that particular point and time I was having trouble dealing with my emotions and/or an experience that I needed to tell someone about to try and make me feel better.
I apologise to all those I spoke negtively of on my LJ. They are not bad people. There are many good times to speak of, but that is not what I use my LJ for. Although I may start to do more of that on the non private setting.
I hope that those who I may have offended forgive me. It takes so much energy to be negative to one another, I would so much rather to enjoy our time together rather than hold a grudge. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 4th, 2006|09:44 pm] |
I try and I try.
I know that stacie is homeless and that it must be very hard to be somewhere she can't call home. That is why I try my best to make her comfortable. I know I don't have to, but I feel as if she is a guest in my house (which she is). I keep trying, and there is always something that is bothering her about living here. Among the resons are:
1) We live in the middle of no where
2) My bed is not comfortable to her
3) She is dependent on me (or my family) to get her anywhere
4) She thinks that my parents think that she eats too much of our food
5) there is not enough space for all her stuff and she feels that her things clutter our house and bother my parents.
I can understand how this would suck, but there is only so much I can do.
On a different note. Well I guess its not any different than usual just more stacie stuff.
I feel like there is a new spark in our relationship. I can't really explain it except for that we are laughing and smiling a lot more. We have kissed...on the lips (which hasn't happened in months) and it was magical to me. I look into her eyes and she smiles...it looks so pure and honest, like she is acually happy to be with me. It brings me to tears to have her look at me that way...I feel so happy.
I know I am probably just setting myself up for dissapointment, but it just feels so good and feels so right.
I want to be her boyfriend...without the commitment. I know that she is still curious. She talks about guys flirting with her and how she thinks about how people would be in bed. I do to...I think it is fairly normal. I am curious and would like to date, but I want stacie to be my girlfriend. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 2nd, 2006|02:52 pm] |
On a brighter note...
The rest of our relationship seems to be going fairly well. We are not "together", but we have been sleeping together quite often. It happens pretty easily when we spend most of our time together and in the same bed together.
We have been walking through the woods and around town, biking, playing chess, taking photos of each other and watching movies together.
I feel like we are together...we act like we are together, but we are not together.
I think I have been pretty stressed lately. I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping. I bet that I get about 2 hours a night. This has been going on since graduation...I would assume I am worried about my future; stacie, work, ect. as well as my new job.
Dennis got me a job at the Bridgestreet Cafe in Richmond. It seems like a cool place...pete works there too so we got the old crew back together. There is a lot to learn though and its hard not to think about how to do certian things while I am trying to go to sleep.
Stacie got a job their to as a waitress. She seems to be catching on well. Its kinds nice having her work there...but kinda cramping at the same time. Of course everyone thinks we are together so that makes it hard for me to meet the ladies (luckily they are all about 16 so I won't have to worry about that as far as I can tell for now)
I have hung out with Dennis once...it was ok...not great. I really want some new friends. I really want to leave Vermont and start over. I think after working at the cafe for the summer I may leave... Colorado...maybe...There are a lot of film jobs in that area...not as many as NYC or LA, but a hellofalot more than here.
But then it all goes back to stacie...I want to be with her...I feel like I should just wait for her move...if she goes back to Iowa then I will go to Colorado.
If she stays here, We could get a place together and make new friends in Burlington.
The other part of me says, "leave when you are ready, don't worry about her because it may take you leaving for her to decide what she wants to do....
Anyway... I don't feel extreamly stable right now. I need a new friend or 2...a date even...with someone new. Something to get my motor running.
I am hoping to begin brainstorming some short film ideas that I can work on. Something that I don't really need actors for...maybe something experimental, but I want to make something that has meaning and is interesting, thought provoking....I'll let ya know how that goes... |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 11th, 2006|08:07 pm] |
I am officially done with college. No more papers, no more exams, no more classes. I should be happy right? Well it dosent look that way. Not only is school over but I now have no job, no girlfriend, not even someone I can just make out with. And soon I will be without my best friend.
I can't control my jelosy enough to live with stacie. We had been talking about it the past few days, about how we were going to sublet a place for the summer in Burlington. But I don't think I can handle her making out with a new friend every few weeks. She messed around with another guy last night...I was oblivious. They didn;t kiss or anything, just touched breasts (Yes apparently he had good size man boobies), but again I don't get it.
Stacie says that I need to live more in the moment and not think that everytime you make out with someone it lasts forever. She says that I have to hardcore christian type values. I think I am just jelouse. Everyone else gets what I work so hard to achieve.
It almost as if she perfers to mess around with people she will never see again. I wonder why that is...
I wish that I wasn't so jelouse. I would love to live with stacie, but I want her to be "mine". Not in the sence that she is mine and do what I say, but more like we are together and in the end she always comes back to me. She wants to experience other people...maybe I do to, but I want us to be together through it.
Anyway, going back home in a few days makes me realize how few friends I have left. Actually, now that I think about it, I realize I have few "friends" here. Lets think....Kennan, traci, stacie, baliey, marsy, ross...I think thats it...ok thats not too bad, but its not great. Does the amount of friends you have determine if you are a good person? No. I know some big bitches with tons of friends. But at home I have even less...theres pete and dennis (even though I havent talked to either of them since the summer).
What is wrong with me????
Why is it that I don't care to have anyone other than stacie in my life??!?!?!
alsfdkgnalsfkgnlasfdkg
alskdflaskd
kfh;dfk
dsghr
blah |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
ejmusicman's journal